I have failed in so many ways.

Matthew Renert: 7 January 2009

I dreamed that I had a 1.8GPA and failed the Engineering weeder course, Statics and Dynamics. I dreamed that I passed everything else but the course in question. I dreamed I was driving down a cold, snowy road, a road with telephone poles, electrical wires, and I am on the way to the university to meet up with the professor. I dreamed that after talking to him, he gave me a mercy pass. I dreamed. I woke up.

To be honest, I hate to write negative posts like this, and to be honest with you, being a Christian myself isn't all about struggles. It seems that only when I face challenges, I experience more of Jesus. You don't know all you have is Jesus, until all you have is Jesus.

But that dream was one month ago, before I wrote my exams.

On a dark and cold winter afternoon at a tick past four o'clock, half the dream came true.

The "F" on the fourth line on marks was stuck on my computer monitor. And the course is Statics and Dynamics.

I remembered that one of my beloved relative was messaging me on Windows Live Messenger, as I was playing the sound "How Great Is Our God" by Chris Tomlin on my computer. I was home alone, and as my daily routine past four o'clock, I logged onto the online student application to check my marks and see if there are any updates.

Right up to this point, I passed all my courses -- although not so elegantly, as long as I got a "D" in Statics and Dynamics, it would have been OK. The mark breakdown goes as follows:

- Calculus: C
- Economics: B-
- Behavior of Fluids and Solids: D+
- Statics and Dynamics: F
- Design and Communication: B
- Linear Algebra: C-

I know it's not good at all. I once was an "A" student, but of course, high school and university (Especially in engineering) is very different that it is before. I kicked up my studying habits, did my work as often as possible, and it was hell for the last few months. There are days I wished I could relive. Those are three months I would be more than glad to erase from my history. I don't know how I got past it, and in reality, because of the F in the mechanics course, I didn't.

My passion has never been in this area of the courses I did poorly in, which is a partial reason of why I did so bad academically as aforementioned. My interest stays in areas of electrical or computer engineering, and definitely not anything that involve statics/dynamics or behavior of fluids and solids. Explanation for other marks? Just give me a moment and I'll lead into that topic. The thing is, even if I were to repeat the course I failed in, I probably won't have done any better. Not to mention that a repeat requires a "C-", and not just a plain "D" which is all I need right now. Furthermore, it's a prerequisite to a very important course next term, and it's something that is related to what I want to major in -- Electrical.

So, at the tick past four o'clock, I clicked the link labeled "Grades".

Then I noticed the two missing marks that I have been waiting for were filled.

The next thing I noticed is the "F" on the fourth line.

My heart sank. I heard myself said briefly under my breath, "Oh s***".

I didn't know what to do for a moment. Is this real? Is this a dream? The song played on. The instant messages on my monitor continues to go, as if nothing has happened. Windows Media Player remain unchanged. "You are worthy of all praise, and my heart will sing... how great is our God..."

Please do note that I have never cursed out loud explicitly in my life, although my sinful nature causes me to swear in my mind occasionally. I am a sinful man. And I do remember what God says about such in Peter 3:10: "For, whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech."

I can't believe it. I have never failed anything in my life before. I thought I did acceptably on the exam. I thought I had faith, and I thought God brought me into Engineering evidently. I thought God will bless this trip. I thought, where is God, has He forsaken me? I thought, I thought.

I tried to call my mother, who is a very Godly women. She gives the best advice, although most of the time it's hard to hear because it's true, and she prays for spiritual righteousness and not "just because he/she wants it". I wanted to tell her that I failed and I wanted my mom to give me the words because my spirit is so suppressed. I got on my knees and came before the Lord. But nothing came. I refreshed the page and see if it was just a typing mistake. But nothing changed.

My heart sank further.

I waited and my father and mother came home. I told them.

The harsh reality came, and I reflected upon it. I know that, in my life, God works on me very, very differently than any other. God gives me grace that no one my age that I know has received. But God works so evidently in my life like no other too. This is no exception.

What was I doing wrong? What is God trying to show me?

My mother mentioned it over and over again that the mark I receive is a reflection of my attitude. I really tried everything for that course, why isn't my attitude 100%?

In reality, I recalled that God looks at the bigger picture. I remember back in high school I didn't do too well in some courses, but God eventually balanced it out and I met the exact admission average into Engineering school this year. I learned that God looks at the bigger picture when everything is put together, and God brings me into this faculty, and that God has never failed me before.

But what's happening now?

I've been very picky on going to classes. For example, I am taking economics as my GPA booster, and I have not been attending that class too regularly and even forgot to complete a number of assignments. Even when I went to class, I took out my laptop, and just went online. Near the end, I didn't even bother taking notes. That landed me a B-. I could have easily landed a A- to be honest.

The same thing goes with linear algebra. I did not attend several of such classes because I felt lazy, and I failed the midterm but thankfully did well on the final. But it's all about the attitude. God looks at the bigger picture as aforementioned, and because I've been so disengaged in my studies and focused on what I believed was important and has been too arrogant to ignore the rest, that's the very thing that brought be failure. The letter that I was so focused on avoiding for the last few while. The dreaded "F".

This kind of "I choose my own way and weigh what I believe important" is not acceptable. After all, if I did better on other courses, at least my GPA would have been saved.

Secondly, I continued to make derogatory comments about my professor, which in general is true to an extent. "I can get the right answer and still get 50% on a question", I would tell my friends. "But then I don't need to know anything in that course -- I just want to get into Electrical and that's it." This is not the right way to go.

Thirdly, I was very disrespectful to my parents and doing chores ever since school started. "I am really busy and have a load of work" is my usual excuse. It's not that much work, I just end up slacking on the computer or doing other academically unrelated jobs. I lied because I don't want to work and only play. That will land me a serious waste of time; more than anything vacuuming my house will cost me.

Fourthly, I've been sinning significantly for the last while. Whenever my parents are not home, I would end up downloading and watching high-definition clips published by Playboy. I bought a lot of junk food that is harmful to my health to eat and hiding it out of my parent's sight. I have been obtaining media for entertainment using illegitimate means. I have played tricks and ignored God so many times.

Sinning makes my spirit sad, and an unpeaceful spirit ends up in my significant stress for the last while. And not to mention that, I am surprisingly sad today, even before I saw the "F". I felt so lost, so out of place, and it's so quiet, I just don't know how I could make it better. Many people prayed for me, and I called a lot of people to pray for me as well, and yet it seems that it has changed nothing. I still failed Statics and Dynamics.

I told my mother I wanted to meet up with my professor and see if he can provide me with a mercy pass, because I do not plan to go into anything that needs statics and dynamics. I prayed to God before that, it's not because of me, but it's because of your grace and mercy and the prayer of many -- and yet I still see an "F". But God is not an idol, and my attitude and continual sinning has not changed in the past while. It really sucks and I feel very, very sad; not just the "F", but because of everything. I feel sorrow because of my sin and suffering from the results of it. I feel hopeless. But Jesus is hope for every human, right?

My mother replied that, if the professor ever decides to mercy pass me (Which is a very slim chance, although it may be possible), it is purely God's work. It sure is. We'll see how it goes, and as I finish this article, tonight I will fast and pray and repent -- it's not just about the "F", although I would sure as heck that it can be changed so I can continue on my academic career without wasting the time God has given me.

Please pray for me. God is there. God listens to your prayers. God has mercy and love. But God is a just God.

Dear God, please listen to my prayers, please let me know that You're there and that everything is in Your hands, and You can change anything. Let the Holy Spirit shine in me so that I will see my sins. Show me what I need to repent. Give me a new heart that I will never go back to my repeated sins. And Dear God, let Your mercy rain on me, and I hope that, if I have found grace in Your eyes, that I will not see that "F" again. I pray that my second part of the dream will come true. In Jesus' most holy name, Amen.

Every Man by Casting Crowns

I'm the man with all I've wanted
All the toys and playing games
I am the one who pours your coffee
Corner booth each Saturday

I am your daughter's favorite teacher
I'm the leader of the band
I sit behind you in the bleachers
I am Every Man

I'm the coach of every winning team
And still a loser in my mind
I am the soldier in the airport
Facing giants one more time

I am the woman shamed and haunted
By the cry of unborn life
I am every broken man
Nervous child, lonely wife

Is there hope for every man?
A solid place where we can stand
In this dry and weary land
Is there hope for every man?

Is there love that never dies
Is there peace in troubled times
Someone help me understand
Is there hope for every man?

It seems there's just so many roads to travel
It's hard to tell where they will lead
My life is scarred, my dreams unravelled
Now I am scared to take the lead

If I could find someone to follow
Who knows my pain and feels the way
The uncertainty of my tomorrow
The guilt and pain of yesterday

Is there hope for every man?
A solid place where we can stand
In this dry and weary land
Is there hope for every man?

Is there love that never dies
Is there peace in troubled times
Someone help me understand
Is there hope for every man?

There is hope for every man
A solid place where we can stand
In this dry and weary land
There is hope for every man

There is love that never dies
There is peace in troubled times
Will we help them understand
Jesus is hope for every man

There is hope for every man
A solid place where we can stand
In this dry and weary land
There is hope for every man

There is love that never dies
There is peace in troubled times
Will we help them understand
Jesus is hope for every man